Monday, September 27, 2010

Last Night I Cried

This past weekend we took family photos at the pumpkin patch.  It was a gorgeous fall morning and my brother-in-law and sister snapped shots while we played in the haystacks and ran down the country roads.  My brother was the perfect jokester trying to do whatever it took to make Kestan laugh.

300 photos later I started to get really worn out and didn't feel very good.  I felt that it was possible little man would decide to come into the world later that evening.  And then I thought..."Wait...I'm not ready!"

As we drove home through the back roads I started feeling like I was on a rollercoaster, and it totally related to my internal feelings of preparing for this upcoming birth.  I love rollercoasters, but they scare me like crazy.  I wait in line and I watch the cars before me going ever so slowly up the hill and I freak myself out.  It doesn't stop me from going, but it definitely builds up the anticipation, and my mind becomes a whirlwind of "what ifs?"

Once I'm locked in there's no turning back!  I have an idea of what's to come, but there are so many unknowns, so I'm forced to throw my expectations out the window.  All I can do to fully be in the moment is empty my mind, scream and enjoy the ride!  And what I can say for sure is that even though going up the hill is scary, I know once I'm on the other side it's going to feel and be AMAZING.

I noticed all along the drive I had nervous energy that I kept letting out with deep sighs.  At home I rested and spent some quiet time making music CD's and creating my affirmation board that I'll have with me during the birth.  I called my friend for some reassurance.  She reminded me of the mantra she used during her first birth,

I can do this. My body was meant to do this.

And I got a nice email from another friend, who said,

Let me tell you, that when you have a second child it does not double your work; it just doubles your love.

Those were wonderful reminders that I needed to hear in that moment.  And after a good cry to my husband about my fears and trepidations, I felt a huge relief letting them out.  I realized that I've embraced and let go of my fears around giving birth again and becoming the mother of two.  My emotions last night were more about working through all the new transformations coming my way.  Changes like - taking care of a newborn again, saying goodbye to this stage in my life where all I know is mothering Kestan, the ending of a 9 month preparation and soon my baby won't be inside me anymore, and thinking about the physical and emotional changes that I will experience over the next year(s).

I accepted my feelings and let them come to surface.  I embraced them.  I released them.

And now...I feel at peace.  I'm calm.  I'm alive.  I'm strong.  I'm powerful.  I am prepared.  I'm ready.

Most importantly, I have TRUST.  I am stepping out of my own way and letting my body and baby guide me.  And I'm so incredibly excited to meet my little pumpkin!

Your Personal Reflection:  What fears are you ready to accept, embrace and release?

For those of you interested in preparing for a natural birth, check out these links:

3 Ways to Create a Sacred Space Around Pregnancy & Birth
Birthing from Within
Ina May Gaskin

GIVEAWAY!  Don't miss your chance to win a spot in my January e-course:  Inside Out: A Creative Adventure of Self-Discovery!  Click HERE to register.


  1. wonderfully honest, and beautiful post my sister. sending more of that calm, strong energy your way. you are amazing, and yes you are strong, and you can do this. love love love

  2. What a beautiful and honest post. What you have shared resonates with me. Although it has been seven years since my last birth so I guess it resonates with my memories.
    I'm so happy that you are now in the safe, happy, trusting state you are in now. Sounds like you are more than ready. You look stunning!

    Good luck with the birth. May it be all you dream of and so much more.

  3. both times, i felt just as you described. that time just before birth was like living its own separate lifetime. i don't ever remember being so acutely aware of time passing or of feeling such extremes, sometimes in the same minute. thinking about you, and hoping little one doesn't make you wait too long. can't wait to meet him!

  4. Shannon, Wish you all the joy and luck from across the world.!!!

  5. Oh you are so beautiful, so brave and authentic. I learn something and am able to take a breath every time I visit your space. Thank you for such an honest and incredible post. It can be so scary experiencing change. I think it reminds us of how much we don't control everything about our lives. It seems this time right before birth can be unsettling for many women. You are ready, strong and calm. Your second Birth Day will be beautiful. I am so excited for you and your family! What a lucky little Pumpkin! Be well, Angela

  6. I remember those fears, too, surrounding the birth of my second child. I think I was so focused on the birthing experience I couldn't even THINK about what was going to come after most of the time. Have you ever read Spiritual Midwifery? Reading the birth stories in it and the book that came after helped me so much because the whole culture of birth in those stories was so much more what I wanted it to be. Wishing you peace and a connection to your breath in ever moment of the journey to becoming a mother of two.

  7. Shannon, you had me just about crying with you on that one. I can't at all imagine what it is you are going though, never having birthed a baby, but I do know that this is going to be another feather to you hat of magnificence.

    I love you and am here to support you in any way that I can. I loved the quote you friend shared about 'not more work, but more love.' Beautiful.

    Hugs and Kisses

  8. Dear friend, It is so normal to feel that way in this particular moment. But let me tell you that soon enough you'll be feeding this new baby boy wondering how life was before...Life is good.

    Big hugs!

    Manon xxx

  9. I am so happy for you to come to this stage of your life and pregnancy.
    It will all work out great. You are one strong and powerful woman ;)

    My fear is actually about having another baby (from the conception stage),
    My health is still unstable and work/finances/and even sometimes our relationship is also unstable at this time.... I always pictured having two kids - and I think I need to realize that it's ok if this doesn't happen. I am happy to have my daughter for now and one step at a time - I can go back to my dreams...
    xoxo wishing you best of luck for the end (or the beginning) of your journey ;)

  10. Yes, you can do it! Thinking of you and your little ones ...

  11. thanks to each of you for your love and support. i really feel it.

  12. What a wonderful heartfelt post - thanks for sharing your experience.

    I feel that over the summer I've been going through a similar journey accepting my fears over how the MS has affected my life. I feel I've begun to accept & embrace the changes & related fear. I'm living in the moment, trying to let go of control & being open to new possibilities. And I feel I ought to mention that connecting with inspirational people like yourself has helped immensely - thank you!

    Kat X

  13. Beautiful Post Cousin! Facing our fears and conquering them is always so uplifting and amazing and ALWAYS makes me ask myself the question "why in the heck did you wait so long Lisa"? Thank you for your truthfulness and thoughtful posts, they always make my day!
    XOXOXO to All of you,

  14. hi love your post and blog, just one thing I remember from one great birth(out of three) I kept telling myself that every contraction brought me one step closer to meeting my new daughter. i was able to be in the moment and it was a wonderful birth(she is now 9 almost 10) all the best...!

  15. Wonderful post - thank you for sharing this with such honesty.


Thanks for sharing!