Last Night I Cried

This past weekend we took family photos at the pumpkin patch.  It was a gorgeous fall morning and my brother-in-law and sister snapped shots while we played in the haystacks and ran down the country roads.  My brother was the perfect jokester trying to do whatever it took to make Kestan laugh.

300 photos later I started to get really worn out and didn't feel very good.  I felt that it was possible little man would decide to come into the world later that evening.  And then I thought..."Wait...I'm not ready!"

As we drove home through the back roads I started feeling like I was on a rollercoaster, and it totally related to my internal feelings of preparing for this upcoming birth.  I love rollercoasters, but they scare me like crazy.  I wait in line and I watch the cars before me going ever so slowly up the hill and I freak myself out.  It doesn't stop me from going, but it definitely builds up the anticipation, and my mind becomes a whirlwind of "what ifs?"

Once I'm locked in there's no turning back!  I have an idea of what's to come, but there are so many unknowns, so I'm forced to throw my expectations out the window.  All I can do to fully be in the moment is empty my mind, scream and enjoy the ride!  And what I can say for sure is that even though going up the hill is scary, I know once I'm on the other side it's going to feel and be AMAZING.

I noticed all along the drive I had nervous energy that I kept letting out with deep sighs.  At home I rested and spent some quiet time making music CD's and creating my affirmation board that I'll have with me during the birth.  I called my friend for some reassurance.  She reminded me of the mantra she used during her first birth,

I can do this. My body was meant to do this.

And I got a nice email from another friend, who said,

Let me tell you, that when you have a second child it does not double your work; it just doubles your love.

Those were wonderful reminders that I needed to hear in that moment.  And after a good cry to my husband about my fears and trepidations, I felt a huge relief letting them out.  I realized that I've embraced and let go of my fears around giving birth again and becoming the mother of two.  My emotions last night were more about working through all the new transformations coming my way.  Changes like - taking care of a newborn again, saying goodbye to this stage in my life where all I know is mothering Kestan, the ending of a 9 month preparation and soon my baby won't be inside me anymore, and thinking about the physical and emotional changes that I will experience over the next year(s).

I accepted my feelings and let them come to surface.  I embraced them.  I released them.

And now...I feel at peace.  I'm calm.  I'm alive.  I'm strong.  I'm powerful.  I am prepared.  I'm ready.

Most importantly, I have TRUST.  I am stepping out of my own way and letting my body and baby guide me.  And I'm so incredibly excited to meet my little pumpkin!

Your Personal Reflection:  What fears are you ready to accept, embrace and release?

For those of you interested in preparing for a natural birth, check out these links:

3 Ways to Create a Sacred Space Around Pregnancy & Birth
Birthing from Within
Ina May Gaskin
Mothering

GIVEAWAY!  Don't miss your chance to win a spot in my January e-course:  Inside Out: A Creative Adventure of Self-Discovery!  Click HERE to register.

Growing from Fear

I found an old journal entry of mine that said, "Why is my fear so paralyzing?" We all know that feeling, right? That place where we are frozen by our own fear. We may not see it as fear at the time, but fear is usually the root of the disharmony in our lives. It's that hidden thing that keeps us from trying new things, that makes it easy to criticize others, that prevents us from stepping out of the box, or speaking our truth, and it doesn't allow us to fully experience life.

I used to be paralyzed by the idea of stepping away from a consistent paycheck, towards my dream of being a self-employed, work-from-home artist, coach, and mother. This fear translated in my mind through thoughts like, "I'm not ready. I need more training. Who's going to hire me? There are enough coaches out there as it is. I'm not a real artist. We'll starve. I'll be a failure. How are we going to live? We'll lose our house." Ahhh...enough to make anyone go mad!

This fear soon developed into physical ailments. I started getting headaches. My shoulders, neck, and throat were tight ('Cause I wasn't speaking my truth and my thoughts were definitely putting the weight of worry on my shoulders!) The vibrancy of my being, that enthusiastic, excited-for-life energy was being drained and overtaken by negativity, worry, and self-doubt - all stemming from my fear.

It wasn't until I started observing and changing my reoccurring thoughts, trusting my intuition, and accepting the feelings that come from uncertainty, that I started seeing some deeper change in my life.

4 Ways to Face Your Fear (and grow from it, too!)

1)Accept It

2)Release It

3) Practice It

4) Go For It

Accept It

So many times I find myself resisting that fear is even present. This is when I'm not being really honest with myself. I start thinking that fear shouldn't be there. That somehow I'm being weak if I'm feeling scared. It's this resistance to fear that keeps me stuck! When I change a thought pattern from thinking fear shouldn't be there, or that I need to conquer it, I can ACCEPT that fear is a natural part of any uncertain situation. In fact, the flip-side of passion is fear, so taking steps towards living your passions will definitely bring up some fears. Accept that the fear will be there, and DO IT anyway.

Release it

It's easy to feel alone, like we're the only ones feeling insecure, worried, agitated, frustrated, depressed or scared. We ALL have these feelings from time-to-time. Rather than keep these fears bottled up, LET THEM OUT. There are many healthy ways to release our fears, and I know, from my own experience, that my mind, body and spirit feel so much freer when I give my fears a place to go.

Tips to Releasing Fears:

1) Write Them Down - Sometimes just taking pen to paper and free-form writing can be a wonderfully releasing exercise. Free-form writing is where you write without thinking about it. Just let the words come out. Write. Write. Write. Now you don't have to carry that fear and you've given it a place to go. (Having a favorite journal and pen is helpful.)

2) Create Sacred Space - Set up some space in your home that is YOUR own. A place where you can go and enjoy some quiet time. This might be a corner in your bedroom, a favorite chair or even the bathtub. Make it sacred by playing your favorite relaxing music, (Check out musician, Patrick Smith) lighting some candles, have your journal, pillow, inspirational readings or a yoga mat nearby. This is the place you return to where you can nurture yourself, especially when you are feeling scared. Just being alone and enjoying a few moments of stillness helps us reconnect to that strength and courage that is in us all. You may find that you're in need for some intense self-reflection time. Look up local retreat centers in your area. Many of them offer spiritual guidance that you may find very helpful.

3) Breathe - Nothing is more present than your own breath. Stop. Take a deep inhale. Feel your heart center expand. Smile slightly as you exhale. Usually when we are thinking about the past we are stuck in regret and doubt. When our thoughts are more future-based, we are stuck in worry. Present moment awareness helps us realize that there is no fear in the now. So focus on your breath, in this moment, and enjoy how good it feels to be alive.

4) Observe Your Thoughts - Nothing is more eye-opening than discovering the words and phrases you repeat to yourself throughout the day. When those fear-based statements arise (about every few seconds!), say this instead, "I do not need to think this thought." It's simple, and it works.

5) Affirmations - Once you start getting used to observing your thoughts, try focusing on the opposite. So your mind says, "I can't do that because I don't have any money." Kindly observe your mind thinking this, and without judgement, replace the thought with "Wealth comes quickly and effortless into my life." For examples of more affirmations, visit "Affirm Your Life".

6) Get Moving - I'm so grateful to have a toddler who wants his mommy to dance with him every morning! I'm not kidding...EVERY morning. Go to yoga, run, join a workout class, or try Zumba. Getting your blood flowing is a wonderful way to feel better and get your mind off your worry! And who can resist dancing to THIS? (DO IT NOW!)

7) Find Support - Find someone in your life who you feel safe with. Call this person when you are feeling caught up in self-doubt, frustration and worry. Sometimes just having the opportunity to talk it out helps you feel better and find clarity. You may find that hiring a life coach, or scheduling time with a counselor is a wonderful compliment to your work in facing fears. You don't have to do it alone! (Check out my new e-course to find a like-minded community. By the way, offering my e-course is definitely facing one of my fears!)

Practice It

Our fears offer us opportunities to grow. Find the releasing tools that work best for you, and repeat, repeat, repeat! It is in the practice that we learn the most.

Go For It

Even though you feel scared, do it anyone. In fact, the best way to practice is to do something that scares you EVERY day. Take small steps at first. Each time we face a fear, we connect to that inner strength and build our courage to face even more.

Your Personal Reflection: Think about something you've wanted to do in your life, but haven't because you were scared. Are you ready to accept it, release it and GO FOR IT? Be kind to yourself, and enjoy growing with each small step.

Free Spirit Tip #5

Today, on Halloween, and EVERYDAY, do something that SCARES you!

Let Your True Colors Shine Bright

The vibrant autumn leaves are absolutely magnificent this year. It's hard to keep my eyes on the road while I'm driving because on every block there is another tree to ooh and aah at.

I absolutely LOVE Autumn. The changing colors remind me to slow down, and appreciate nature's innate beauty. The falling leaves remind me that everything is impermanent. I'm reminded that we all have an inner beauty, our true colors, that need to come out and be seen. And just like the colorful trees, as our beauty shines bright, it will transform, change, and again, retreat to a place where it can rest and restore.

I find a pile of crunchy leaves completely irresistible. I have to get in there and crunch, scoop them up, toss them in the air and roll around. It's just fun. It reminds me of the simpler times, and that playful energy that comes naturally when you're a kid. I mean, seriously, what's more fun than jumping in a huge pile of freshly raked leaves?
Let's all stop, right now, and enjoy the beauty all around. Even if you live in an environment that doesn't have changing leaves, you can still stop, and see nature's great gifts. Just like the turning leaves, let's shine bright, feel the vibrancy that comes from being alive, and embrace the newness, and uncertainty that inevitably comes with change.

So get out there, jump, crunch, play, laugh and celebrate the changing YOU.
Your Personal Reflection:
Are you letting your true colors shine bright?
As we prepare for winter, this is a wonderful time to nurture your inner self. What self-care and personal wellness techniques can you invite into your life now?
Try this FREE guided meditation: Accepting Fear, Embracing Change

Like the falling leaves, what are you ready to let go of? Where will these new changes lead you?

The Freedom to Play

I took Kestan to a new play group the other day. He is definitely an observer and needs his time to study and assess new surroundings before he dives right in. For the first 10 minutes, or so, he squeezed my index finger tightly as he slowly walked me around to each station. Once he started to feel more comfortable, he let go of his grip and joined the other children playing puzzles, jumping on mats and stacking blocks. Eventually, he was just one of the kids laughing and running and yelling "mommy...more!"

One of the stations included buckets full of toys and cups for scooping and sifting through rice. I loved watching how involved he got as he explored and experimented. He felt the rice in his hands. He tried big cups. He tried small cups. He tried to scoop up the little plastic doggies. He tried to see how many doggies he could hold in both hands. He threw the rice in the air. He gave the rice to mommy. He was focused. He problem-solved. He created. He played.

Soon another mommy and her 20-month-old daughter joined us for "play". I was surprised to see how controlling this mother was, especially of a child so young. The child was not allowed to spill any rice out of the bucket. She would reach in for a spoon, try to bring the spoon closer to her so she could touch the rice, and mommy would grab her, both arms around the child, and got very close to her ear. Sternly, she said, "Do not spill the rice. You're not doing it right. Keep the rice in the bucket...in the bucket, Grace...Keep the rice in the bucket."

I watched as the little girl struggled, not knowing what to do, or how to play. More tentatively, she'd reach in the bucket for the spoon, and every time she spilled some rice, her mom was all over her. Again, Grace reached for the spoon. Slowly, she lifted the spoon of rice. She kept it over the bucket. She seemed somewhat frozen. No smile. No experimenting. No problem-solving. No sensing or feeling or playing. Just sitting there, waiting, looking for approval. She looked up at her mommy. Mommy praised her, "See, now you are doing it RIGHT."

And we wonder why so many of us lose touch with not only our creativity, but with our ability to trust ourselves. And it's no wonder why so many of us have a fear of trying new things, especially creative experiences, for fear that we won't know how to express ourselves and we won't know how to do it "right".

Now, I'm not suggesting that this mother has ruined her daughters creative future. But I do see how judgements, restrictions and fear, that we experience as a child, can play a significant part in how we view ourselves and the world around us when we are adults. Gratefully, we are resilient beings!

I believe the freedom to play is SO important and as I become more aware of how I choose to nurture my child's own creativity, I can't help but use these moments as opportunities to look at my own life. How do I nurture my creativity? When do I let my fear of not "doing it right" get in the way of trying something new? Do I give myself the freedom to simply play, for the sake of playing?

So today, I observe my judgements around the issues of "right" & "wrong". And I give myself full freedom to plaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Your Personal Reflection: What early memories do you have, where an adult may have stifled your creativity? How do these experiences have an effect on your life today? Do you feel creative? What's one creative thing you've been wanting to try, but haven't because you're a little (or a lot!) scared? What's one thing you can do, today, to let yourself play?