Last Night I Cried

This past weekend we took family photos at the pumpkin patch.  It was a gorgeous fall morning and my brother-in-law and sister snapped shots while we played in the haystacks and ran down the country roads.  My brother was the perfect jokester trying to do whatever it took to make Kestan laugh.

300 photos later I started to get really worn out and didn't feel very good.  I felt that it was possible little man would decide to come into the world later that evening.  And then I thought..."Wait...I'm not ready!"

As we drove home through the back roads I started feeling like I was on a rollercoaster, and it totally related to my internal feelings of preparing for this upcoming birth.  I love rollercoasters, but they scare me like crazy.  I wait in line and I watch the cars before me going ever so slowly up the hill and I freak myself out.  It doesn't stop me from going, but it definitely builds up the anticipation, and my mind becomes a whirlwind of "what ifs?"

Once I'm locked in there's no turning back!  I have an idea of what's to come, but there are so many unknowns, so I'm forced to throw my expectations out the window.  All I can do to fully be in the moment is empty my mind, scream and enjoy the ride!  And what I can say for sure is that even though going up the hill is scary, I know once I'm on the other side it's going to feel and be AMAZING.

I noticed all along the drive I had nervous energy that I kept letting out with deep sighs.  At home I rested and spent some quiet time making music CD's and creating my affirmation board that I'll have with me during the birth.  I called my friend for some reassurance.  She reminded me of the mantra she used during her first birth,

I can do this. My body was meant to do this.

And I got a nice email from another friend, who said,

Let me tell you, that when you have a second child it does not double your work; it just doubles your love.

Those were wonderful reminders that I needed to hear in that moment.  And after a good cry to my husband about my fears and trepidations, I felt a huge relief letting them out.  I realized that I've embraced and let go of my fears around giving birth again and becoming the mother of two.  My emotions last night were more about working through all the new transformations coming my way.  Changes like - taking care of a newborn again, saying goodbye to this stage in my life where all I know is mothering Kestan, the ending of a 9 month preparation and soon my baby won't be inside me anymore, and thinking about the physical and emotional changes that I will experience over the next year(s).

I accepted my feelings and let them come to surface.  I embraced them.  I released them.

And now...I feel at peace.  I'm calm.  I'm alive.  I'm strong.  I'm powerful.  I am prepared.  I'm ready.

Most importantly, I have TRUST.  I am stepping out of my own way and letting my body and baby guide me.  And I'm so incredibly excited to meet my little pumpkin!

Your Personal Reflection:  What fears are you ready to accept, embrace and release?

For those of you interested in preparing for a natural birth, check out these links:

3 Ways to Create a Sacred Space Around Pregnancy & Birth
Birthing from Within
Ina May Gaskin
Mothering

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